for Chris

The evil sleeps inside me
Like the monster
Which hides beneath a child’s bed
Waiting for me to close my eyes
When he can come alive inside me

I must never close my eyes
The nightmare is too much to bear
I will awaken with blood on my hands
Liquor on my breath
The pain is so unbearable

Why can’t I find someone stronger than me?
Someone who can beat me unconscious
That would be wonderful
Someone who can punish me
For the horrible person that I am
Someone to beat me back down
Each time I try to get up
Someone to make me feel tremendous pain

I deserve to feel tremendous pain
That would be wonderful
That is what I deserve