for Martin

My mother has taught me pacifism
To heal what we have done to the world
I must pay for my grandfather’s guilt
I must prove myself worthy to be alive
And each time the other boys strike me
Each time their fists bloody my nose
I see my mother’s face
I wish it were her nose which bleeds
I want to spit on my grandfather’s grave
So each time they hit me
My anger grows bigger inside me
I will make sports to become strong
I will become strong enough to kill
I will kill anyone who attacks me
I will kill anyone who provokes me
I will protect those who are attacked like I was

I will never forgive the boys who beat me
I will hate them
I will never forgive myself for becoming one of them
I will always hate myself
And most of all I will never forgive my mother
I hate her most of all